Waiting

It is hard to wait .  I am not normally a patient person.  Gina is not ready to be fully recommitted to the marriage yet.   I am "all in"  This cant go on forever.  its not really possible for me to begin healing while this question hangs over us.  I wish that I had been a better husband for her in the past.  I have been an agent of chaos in my own home.  I am a slob.  this has driven her nuts.  I have also been so self absorbed with my depression that I did not see her pain.  She wanted so much for me to desire her for what she is now.  It not too much to to ask.  I neglected her and she eventually decided to find someone to commit adultery with.  She says she has reasons( not yet fully given) but not excuses.  I think she wanted out and this was the only way she could think of for me to let her go.  Only I am not letting her go.  I still love her.  I will change. I will do what it takes.     I am still in terrible pain and confusion.  I weep everyday over this.  Its better than anger.  I wish I could get the images out of my head.    

Lord, help me to remember that I have Forgiven Gina.  Please help her to recommit to me so that together we can build a new marriage based on true passion for each other.   Please guide and protect Halbert.    

Two steps Forward One Back?

Today has been a particularly hard day for Me.  I really dont want to share exactly how.  Just enough to say that Adultery can mean more than sexual infidelity.  The personal pain and grief are profound for both of us and we need a LOT of prayer.  If you have come across this blog and are a Christian please pray for Gina and I.  We need all the help.  I Love Gina.  I want her to be my wife.  I believe that God wants us to stay together.  We are really trying to reestablish our relationship.  i might more rightly say we are establishing a new relationship.  I realize now that we have had very serious problems for a long time that I either ignored or just plain missed because i was so self absorbed in my depression.  So now we are trying to sort out how to love each other after the neglect and betrayal and trauma.  We are both wounded deeply and need healing.

If you have experienced  I would very much appreciate a comment.  an encouragement, A prayer.

God,  Help me to love Gina.  Help me to rely on Christ for my needs.  Please forgive my sins.  Please help me to Love sacrificially as Christ loves the church.  Help me to show my passion for her. Thank You Lord God

A Good Day

Today  Gina and I took a 3 hour motorcycle ride around Upstate SC.  I love spending time with her more than anything.  We have been doing better and talking through things.  I have to say that the Lord is upholding us And I praise his name.  Marriage can be so simple but it can also be so extraordinarily complicated and hard.  I have to say that the hard days are worth it.

God thank you for my beautiful wife.  Please bless her in every way and keep her strong in her faith in you.  Please help her to find her meaning in Jesus Christ alone.  Please fill her with your spirit to do good things and so that she can be a blessing to me and Halbert.

Personal stuff

I know i have spoken about some very serious personal stuff here.  Thats where I am at the moment.  Lately I have had my meds adjusted for my depression.  I went from 5 mg of abilify to 15mg.  I also added another med to my list.  Sometimes I wonder if there can ever be a day when I will not have to take meds for my mood.  Mental Illness is a hard topic.  People don't look at it like they look at Cancer or diabetes or any number of other physical problems.  I suffer from Depression.  Not proud it, it just is.  I never seem to live up to my potential.   If others had to live in my skin and had my life I think my they would have more respect for me.  Depression is not an excuse ,  its an illness.  My job is to more diligently manage my illness.

To Be sure I came by it honestly.  I have been told that my Grandfather had Nervous breakdowns.  I know my mother cried a lot .   I have been through some traumatic experiences in my life that have not helped at all..   The latest has been very difficult and has dredged up feelings from all the prior hurts.  Funny how those feelings never really just go away..   I learned several years ago that I do not have to relive traumatic experiences over and over again.  I can honor them,  recognize them for their importance, but I do not have to relive them.

this latest situation has brought a lot back that I just do not have the time or energy to deal with.   I cannot be constantly emotionally overwhelmed.  

I am relying more on my faith now to get through each hour.

One thing that is definitely not helping right now is a huge increase in Libido.  God have mercy on me.  I wonder if it a side effect of the meds.  Its really bad timing right now.  Since things are apparently permanently on hold with Gina right now I am going to have to grin and bear it.  The temptation is to look elsewhere for intimacy.  Totally out of the question of course but there it is, Temptation.

Lord help me to overcome temptation to get to close to anyone other than Gina.  Lord help me to use sexuality only to build up My marriage and not to tear it down.   Oh Jesus hold me up I am a weak sinner.