Personal stuff

I know i have spoken about some very serious personal stuff here.  Thats where I am at the moment.  Lately I have had my meds adjusted for my depression.  I went from 5 mg of abilify to 15mg.  I also added another med to my list.  Sometimes I wonder if there can ever be a day when I will not have to take meds for my mood.  Mental Illness is a hard topic.  People don't look at it like they look at Cancer or diabetes or any number of other physical problems.  I suffer from Depression.  Not proud it, it just is.  I never seem to live up to my potential.   If others had to live in my skin and had my life I think my they would have more respect for me.  Depression is not an excuse ,  its an illness.  My job is to more diligently manage my illness.

To Be sure I came by it honestly.  I have been told that my Grandfather had Nervous breakdowns.  I know my mother cried a lot .   I have been through some traumatic experiences in my life that have not helped at all..   The latest has been very difficult and has dredged up feelings from all the prior hurts.  Funny how those feelings never really just go away..   I learned several years ago that I do not have to relive traumatic experiences over and over again.  I can honor them,  recognize them for their importance, but I do not have to relive them.

this latest situation has brought a lot back that I just do not have the time or energy to deal with.   I cannot be constantly emotionally overwhelmed.  

I am relying more on my faith now to get through each hour.

One thing that is definitely not helping right now is a huge increase in Libido.  God have mercy on me.  I wonder if it a side effect of the meds.  Its really bad timing right now.  Since things are apparently permanently on hold with Gina right now I am going to have to grin and bear it.  The temptation is to look elsewhere for intimacy.  Totally out of the question of course but there it is, Temptation.

Lord help me to overcome temptation to get to close to anyone other than Gina.  Lord help me to use sexuality only to build up My marriage and not to tear it down.   Oh Jesus hold me up I am a weak sinner.