Waiting

It is hard to wait .  I am not normally a patient person.  Gina is not ready to be fully recommitted to the marriage yet.   I am "all in"  This cant go on forever.  its not really possible for me to begin healing while this question hangs over us.  I wish that I had been a better husband for her in the past.  I have been an agent of chaos in my own home.  I am a slob.  this has driven her nuts.  I have also been so self absorbed with my depression that I did not see her pain.  She wanted so much for me to desire her for what she is now.  It not too much to to ask.  I neglected her and she eventually decided to find someone to commit adultery with.  She says she has reasons( not yet fully given) but not excuses.  I think she wanted out and this was the only way she could think of for me to let her go.  Only I am not letting her go.  I still love her.  I will change. I will do what it takes.     I am still in terrible pain and confusion.  I weep everyday over this.  Its better than anger.  I wish I could get the images out of my head.    

Lord, help me to remember that I have Forgiven Gina.  Please help her to recommit to me so that together we can build a new marriage based on true passion for each other.   Please guide and protect Halbert.    

Two steps Forward One Back?

Today has been a particularly hard day for Me.  I really dont want to share exactly how.  Just enough to say that Adultery can mean more than sexual infidelity.  The personal pain and grief are profound for both of us and we need a LOT of prayer.  If you have come across this blog and are a Christian please pray for Gina and I.  We need all the help.  I Love Gina.  I want her to be my wife.  I believe that God wants us to stay together.  We are really trying to reestablish our relationship.  i might more rightly say we are establishing a new relationship.  I realize now that we have had very serious problems for a long time that I either ignored or just plain missed because i was so self absorbed in my depression.  So now we are trying to sort out how to love each other after the neglect and betrayal and trauma.  We are both wounded deeply and need healing.

If you have experienced  I would very much appreciate a comment.  an encouragement, A prayer.

God,  Help me to love Gina.  Help me to rely on Christ for my needs.  Please forgive my sins.  Please help me to Love sacrificially as Christ loves the church.  Help me to show my passion for her. Thank You Lord God

A Good Day

Today  Gina and I took a 3 hour motorcycle ride around Upstate SC.  I love spending time with her more than anything.  We have been doing better and talking through things.  I have to say that the Lord is upholding us And I praise his name.  Marriage can be so simple but it can also be so extraordinarily complicated and hard.  I have to say that the hard days are worth it.

God thank you for my beautiful wife.  Please bless her in every way and keep her strong in her faith in you.  Please help her to find her meaning in Jesus Christ alone.  Please fill her with your spirit to do good things and so that she can be a blessing to me and Halbert.

Personal stuff

I know i have spoken about some very serious personal stuff here.  Thats where I am at the moment.  Lately I have had my meds adjusted for my depression.  I went from 5 mg of abilify to 15mg.  I also added another med to my list.  Sometimes I wonder if there can ever be a day when I will not have to take meds for my mood.  Mental Illness is a hard topic.  People don't look at it like they look at Cancer or diabetes or any number of other physical problems.  I suffer from Depression.  Not proud it, it just is.  I never seem to live up to my potential.   If others had to live in my skin and had my life I think my they would have more respect for me.  Depression is not an excuse ,  its an illness.  My job is to more diligently manage my illness.

To Be sure I came by it honestly.  I have been told that my Grandfather had Nervous breakdowns.  I know my mother cried a lot .   I have been through some traumatic experiences in my life that have not helped at all..   The latest has been very difficult and has dredged up feelings from all the prior hurts.  Funny how those feelings never really just go away..   I learned several years ago that I do not have to relive traumatic experiences over and over again.  I can honor them,  recognize them for their importance, but I do not have to relive them.

this latest situation has brought a lot back that I just do not have the time or energy to deal with.   I cannot be constantly emotionally overwhelmed.  

I am relying more on my faith now to get through each hour.

One thing that is definitely not helping right now is a huge increase in Libido.  God have mercy on me.  I wonder if it a side effect of the meds.  Its really bad timing right now.  Since things are apparently permanently on hold with Gina right now I am going to have to grin and bear it.  The temptation is to look elsewhere for intimacy.  Totally out of the question of course but there it is, Temptation.

Lord help me to overcome temptation to get to close to anyone other than Gina.  Lord help me to use sexuality only to build up My marriage and not to tear it down.   Oh Jesus hold me up I am a weak sinner.

HALT

When I was at my Therapist this last Tuesday  He gave me a little exercise to do when i feel like I am getting angry.  HALT
Hungry
Anxious
Lonely
Tired

Anytime I feel as though I have Anger building up I need to take the time to see if I am each one of these things instead.  The whole point really is taking the time to self analyze before I act out in anger.  I have found that  most likely I am experiencing one or more of these feelings when I am angry.  Sometimes all of them.  WHat I Feel I am really going through is Grief.  I have never experienced grief like this before.  Grief over loss I understand.  Dealing with adultery is different.  Gina is still here.  She has not left.  I cannot lay my finger on exactly what it is I have lost but I feel like I have had an amputation without anesthetic.  I weep uncontrollably at very inconvenient time.  I find myself spacing out for several minutes at a time.   I imagine it could be PSTD.

I really want it to stop now.  I Want to be strong.  I want to have control over my emotions.  I want to do good work at my job and enjoy my work.  I want Joy in my life..,

Loneliness is the hardest feeling for me to overcome.  I really do not have a close friend to help anymore.  At least not until my relationship with Gina heals more.

God, Help me with Loneliness,  Help my to be strong and have Joy in my life.  Lord, please give me a better outlook about work,  Please help me top stay focused on my work and not zone out.  Lord I need to be focused and in the moment at all times.  Please Forgive me of me sins.  Help me to overcome the bizzare dreams I have been having.  Please keep me from forming inappropriate relationships while I am so lonely.

Lord, please guide and protect Gina.  please bring her back to me as a Wife, Lover, friend.  Help us to have a a better relationship than we did before,  grounded in Love for Jesus Christ.  

Lord please Guide and protect Halbert.  Please help him to grow strong in his faith.  Please keep him from placing his faith in anyone but Jesus.  Please Forgive his sins and keep him from great sin in the future.  Please help him to have joy in his life and not be depressed like me.  Lord he knows what is going on.  Please uphold his spirit.  Please help him to forgive his parents who are both sinners in need of grace.

TIM

Call to arms

I have been considering Spiritual Warfare a lot lately obviously..  Satan has attacked me and my family viciously in the last year and a half.   We neglected the Ordinary means of grace.  We stopped going to church, Missed out on the teaching of the word of God. Missed out on the Sacraments.  Satan has almost killed my family.  Its time to take the offensive.  We Will study the scriptures.  We will pray together.  We will go to church and worship God in spirit and truth.  We will take Communion.  We will Stand up against the enemy of our souls no matter what.  even if it means we look really strange to others.  We will overcome sin in our lives through the powers of the Holy Spirit indwells us.  God has done it.  Satan is already a defeated enemy.  God wills this.

Dear God please stand between my Wife and anyone who would tempt her to sin.  Lord,  Unbelievers  love to watch and participate in the failures and sins of your elect.   Rebuke them Lord.  Strike them down.  I am serious here.  I am looking for either some hardcore smiting or supernatural miraculous grace.  You know who I am calling this down on God.  Lord I am not testing your.  Your will be done.  I am asking for a miracle.  Lord In Matthew you said Blessed are those who Mourn for they will be Comforted.  Lord in your time you will have either justice or grace on these people.  Please give me a sign, Comfort me Lord.  I Love You.  Hold My Hand.

Lord I ask that you guard Halbert.  Come the  enemy away from him.  I especially ask the you would keep him away from Porn.

Lord Make me Strong in your word.  Fill me up so that I can serve others out of the overflow of your love.  Make me a warrior instead of a victim.  Lord Please heal me from grief and anger.  Especially anger Lord.  Help me to Love.  Love covers a multitude of sins

Tim

Get up and walk

Ok so I had a failure.  Today I Got up and went to work and moved on.  Thank you God for the strength to Move on.

The Last time we were im Matthew we were in chapter 4 where Jesus calls the first of the Apostles.  Follow me and I will make you fisherrs of Men.  Peter, Andrew, James and John are called up and immediatley repond.  Sometime I wonder if they were already familiar with Jesus and were waiting to be asked.   Jesus began his ministry with many miracles of healing to go along with his teaching.  I believe in the supernatural claims of the Bible.  The Miracles were signs which proved the truth that jesus taught,  He drew large crowds so that sets ther scene for the sermon on the mount and the beatitudes.

My extended family has really been a great support for me in the last several weeks.  I have fealt so alone being such a great distance from them while this great trial has hit me and Gina. They have called me and been available 24/7 for me to talk to and has really helped.  Thanks especially to mom.

Please pray for my friend Darby who is also going through a really tough time right now.

I Pray that God will help my little family to heal.  I love them so much and I know they love me and had forgiven me.  Love covers a multitude of Sin.

Btw I put a link to a great song here.  Lousy theology,  Great song